A comment or two will be greeted with warm hands.

23 October 2008

Whirlpool of emotions

Hi guys. I haven't been blogging for quite a while, and I haven't even have the time to respond to people in shouting in my cbox. I apologize for not being able to reply to your comments, spend time visiting your web, or leaving a comment in your site. I probably won't have the drive to reply to all of you guys if my situation doesn't improve.

I am currently occupied, often with a depressing feel knowing that I might not have it takes to achieve what I want right now. I've tried hard, but results so far are depressing. This has more to do with my career life. Currently I'm jobless and the idea of not being productive to the society is damn depressing. It is not like I do not know where I want to be, rather I'm having difficulty getting in.

Anyway, I've written an article during my lowest point and here it is:

----Whirlpool of Emotions----
[Confession]

Mixed Feeling is a thrill, a roller coaster ride that I could force myself to enjoy it if I want to. But truth is I hate them. Joy, sadness, satisfaction, depression, enthusiasm, lethargy, its a whirlpool of emotions swirling deep within me. An enormous almost equal mix of yin energy and yang energy violently blend together in a humanly body.

Just when I was about to delve myself in depression, the crave for the attention, the satisfaction and my past achievement had to mess it all up by pulling me back to the center of it all. Just when I was about to walk in the tranquil cornfield with butterflies and blooming flower, the heavy scent of stinking stormy rain had ruin it all.

What is with all these emotions that I'm feeling right now. It is as if each of these emotions have a personality of their own and they are all seeking for attention. Even Ignorance, it has consistently telling me to ignore all these other losers. Consistency is another bastard, constantly reminding how impermanent everything is.

It is an experience I've never felt before and it feels terrible. Usually its the other around, normally I would feel good experiecing a new sensation, the feeling of venturing into unchartered territory is suppose to be an exciting one. But this time, i'm not so sure. I was excited, but now I fear that I could be trapped in this forever. And as we all know, fear paralyzes all of us including the all joyful energetic feeling of Excitement.

Despite the mess I'm in now, I know I could control it all. Question is: Do I want to assume control and end it all? The only way I know how to end it, is to kill everything off including the essential life force that supports the foundation pillars of these emotions.

I feel powerful knowing I can contain it all, knowing that I could control all this, yet I feel so powerless as its the most idiotic act to snuff out my own candle.

What other alternatives do I have If ending it all is not an option? How else can I embrace this feeling with grace? I could ask million of questions whole day long and never be open to any solutions, for I know these solutions are no different from my own emotions. They too seek to control my mind with their never-ending attempt to brainwash me.

I am life, yet I'm being controlled by it. I could control it all, but it could be the end of me. I guess what they say is true, seeing is believing: Looks like there isn't much I can do. Ironic part is, I know I can change this. I know there is so much more that I can do. Only if I knew what to do.

"The core of it all, that whirlpool was his favourite place. If there is one place where he could entrust his prized memories, it would be in the whirlpool. If there is one place where he could dump his darkest secret, it would be in the same whirlpool"
---- 3POINT8

----Written by 3POINT8----

PS: I want to get into management consultancy! That is perhaps the hardest career path to get in. Time is of an essence. I'm hoping to get in before my motivation goes down to zero.
[Btw, if you know me personally, do console me when you see me online. If you do not know me personally and want to help out. Thanks. you are kind person]

5 comments:

Alpha Whale said...

Stop.
Take a deep breath.
Look around you.

Look even at this site. Sure it may not seem much: the expression of emotions and thoughts and feelings in an electronic literary from; but think again, look again. Look at all the people who have read this, the connections you have made, the ACCOMPLISHMENTS that have come as a result of simply this: writing as you please.

Getting a job is not the end all be all to society: maybe the taxes on the money you earn benefiting new roads and such, but while your position as a consulter may help companies (which is a big and good thing, I am not shaming any profession and this of any will contribute for sure), itis not the only way to contribute to society. It is not the only means to accomplish a dream. It is not the only way to change lives.

Take it slow.
Take it easy.
Breathe again.

You have done so much, but the demands of the society archetypes clouds this fact with images of improvement through professions and the class associated with that.

You are doing lots more than most people sir, be proud of that.

Certainly strive for your dream of getting that job, but understand that all things are impermanent and while this has evidentially been a turn off to you, understand that it means that there are always other things for you.

There, being not a close friend I have done what I can. I hope you can understand my views and try to integrate them with yours. Oh, and one more thing to try: "smile".

Anonymous said...

Kif...
I know you can face all of these challenges.. No challenge, no higher achievement. Trust me.
This is the time in which we start to think and evolve..

Charles Darwin knows this very well..
:)

curryegg said...

There is nothing like motivation goes down to zero. Trust me, once you saw your own potential and future, you will no longer worried about things..


Yes, You Can!

littlepolaris said...

You are not the only one walking to a narrow path that seems to lead to no where. The higher you go, there will be more competition and the chances will be slimmer.
What to do, this is life. Like Darwin's theory, only the fittest will survive. If will be hard but nothing come easily. It takes time and hard work. Unless tonite u try buying toto and see can kena few millions or not la. Then the story will be different already.

Johnny Ong said...

join right from the beginning of working life. that will give u more exposure later on